mondays ‘n bathrobes

 This morning, I wake up earlier than usual with a bigger sense of urgency, willing that this is the last Monday when I’ll still be in my bathrobe, leisurely sipping coffee and not having a job to go to.
*disclamer to those who are already working at this hour and longingly wish for a bathrobe, it’s important to remember which side of the grassier hill you’re on.

Perhaps it’s because I started teaching part-time night classes, but it seems that my day can never be long enough to apply to all those jobs I set out to. It was an exciting thrill to start teaching I must say, and it also took way too long to prepare for them (that I will post about another day). Needless to say, I’ve been doing everything but focusing on my job seeking job.

Also, we’ve been making several trips a week to DC to see the dentist for checkups, then teeth pulling and then checkups. Lots of time waiting in the waiting room with no wi-fi. Now that Val is near finished recovering from his colossal tooth pain along with the sleepless nights that accompanied it, I’m running out of excuses.

The good news is my life here has steadied out a bit, meeting more regularly with friends, finding a small niche in the new church I’ve invested in, and I’m even trying not to get too comfortable. Before I was confused, not sure how to organize my time, when to go out and to where, and it made the job searches a bigger than usual headache. As you probably know, editing your resume can be the perfect place to have an identity crisis. It takes a lot out of you and it makes you question yourself a lot. Add the uncertainty and unfamiliarity of a new city, and you’ve got yourself the experience of my confusion. But eventually, I finally found my way to the most amazing public library I’ve been to in Alexandria (I so love the nice architectural feel with high ceilings but also they have wi-fi!!!), I’ve started journaling a lot more often and praying for others whenever I have lull moments, I know what times are good to skype with friends, and how much time my work commute will be.  All of these things are helping with that floundering feeling I had before.

I’m still kind of in the same place I was in a month ago, trying to figure out what I will be doing for the majority of my day for the next year and how that will formulate my interests, future career, and dare I say even my identity? But I wanted to pinpoint the transformative difference I feel, even as I’m sitting in the same chair doing the same typing, drinking coffee and bathrobe sitting as I did one or two weeks ago. I’ve hooked onto something solid, like the idea that there is a tangible position with my name on it. I do have limited time, and I know I can’t just plop myself in a mid-entry level job, but I feel freed that I am an explorer of my own destiny right now. The scary feeling, the uncertainty, the changing of the pace, I am learning to actually embrace it. How? You gotta metaphysicize it (yea I just made up a word). I guess I’ve accepted that this state of limbo is just what I need in the present at this exact moment in my life, and I am building confidence to believe it’s not going to be like this forever, but the moment will pass. I’m learning that the more self-aware you are, the clearer your direction becomes, your purpose. Well also, you gotta have a little faith, and go from there.

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4 Comments Add yours

  1. Inock kim says:

    The public library seems a right place to be for job searching.
    Make a day as you mean.

  2. jsk says:

    i’m SO excited that you found a great library! that is a true treasure.
    and i think you are just doing a really wonderful job of meandering hopefully and looking your challenges squarely in the eye and taking a good measure of both it and yourself…like a true heroine would.

  3. jsk says:

    and glad to hear val is doing better!

  4. Christine says:

    Wonderful post chicky.. I am so proud of you and also, i miss you !

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