A moment to wait

yes, it’s been a struggle this week or as kids at duke say ‘struggle bus’ yeah it’s a thing here.

I think I am the cause of this difficult period in my life because I am someone who shifts, changes to the slightest provocation. If I had to compare myself to an animal, it would be a chameleon  because my mood and opinions are the trembling precipice of change. Maybe it is this constant internal dialogue I have with myself arguing about what does this mean? If I were in his shoes, what would I do? what if?  what purpose do I have? I do not take the change around me lightly. Even though I’m well aware of the relativity of the moments in our lives, I can’t help but be sucked into seeing the present challenge as a gigantic dilemma sitting in front of me waiting for me to to do a perfect job.

So this week, the biggest present challenge has been to finish my thesis draft. Relatively, the paper is but a term paper that I have to present to three professors instead of the usual one. It has been something constant on my mind, and on V too. I guess one of the reasons why there is this mounted pressure is because we are constantly devoting time and energy working on it, talking about it, delaying and pushing back all other priorities to the backburner.

But today, I had the chance to step outside of that box a little. I have another deadline due next tuesday for my audio documentary and not having any material yet, I made an appointment with an old classmate from U of R to talk about her experience in her marriage life and also the wedding photography business that she has. We’ve lived practically in the same city since 2011 but never got around to meeting up but I am so glad that this little project of mine finally got us together. It was refreshing to talk about something other than the thesis and feel enthusiastic for someone else’s accomplishments and wonderful life moments. I took away from this meeting a great interview (with excellent quality sound by the way which I am quite proud of) and also this wonderful reminder about the near future, the moments in life that matter, family members who love you and celebrate you more than anyone else.

At the same time, on the  drive back, I was already fretting about whether or not I had recorded it correctly and whether or not the cafe background sounds were too loud and whether i totally botched this thing. The day before, I was fretting about whether or not I would actually be able to book an interview because I hadn’t heard back from former classmate and thinking, oh if only if only, I had just her talking it doesn’t have to be great! So I realized two things about myself: first, it is so easy not to be satisfied with my current situation because I can always see one more thing that I can have and that easily translates into worry and second, that my tendency to internalize, review, seek out the best quality and yes, even to worry is a sign that I do want to produce good work. You gotta understand that having this thesis paper or even graduate school constantly on my to do list often tires me out, makes me wish I could just do it and get it over with! I often lose sight of my purpose and all I see are the black smudges of imperfections and I have to constantly remind myself that I LIKE writing and this thesis has purpose,  even if no one else will remember it in a few months. I question my ability, my attitude towards the work that I do. But I had a glimpse of myself in a new light from the outside in. And it’s a nice feeling.


2 Comments Add yours

  1. Inock Kim says:

    It reminds me of a caterpillar in its cocoon. It struggles to get out with its all strength because it is time to. Finally, the caterpillar would say, “that is why” when it flies to the sky.

  2. jsk says:

    what a beautiful moment of realization, chicky
    thoughtful and sincere, which are qualities you can’t learn at school, that’s for sure

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